A Beard That Should Have Been: Andrew Jackson

Andrew Jackson is to badass as my opinion is to the truth. Unequivocal.

The evidence:

Exhibit A: At age 13, Jackson became a prisoner of war during the Revolution. When a British officer commanded him to shine his shoes, Jackson said, "Bitch, please!" At the end of the war, every single member of his family had died by some manner of the British war machine. Without a family, Jackson grew up without comfort or support, and the experience instilled in the future president the cold, unfeeling heart which allowed him "to raise his pimp hand high without the hindrance of guilt or conscience" (Zinn 84).

Exhibit B: During the War of 1812, Jackson showed his complete disregard for conventional political diplomacy by finally turning the tides of war with an American victory in New Orleans after peace had already been settled. When asked if he had known the war was over at the time, Jackson replied, "who the hell are you?"

Exhibit C: Andrew Jackson was the first president to be given a baby to kiss. No joke: he handed the baby to the Secretary of War. Classy.

Exhibit D: During his presidency, Jackson sent a Viking raiding party to rape and pillage the National Bank. When that failed, he simply withdrew the funds, like a badass.

Exhibit E: While on a walk around the White House with Davy Crockett, yes, THAT Davy Crockett, a man jumped out of the bushes with two pistols; both failed, and the President of the United States caned the living shit out of his attempted assassin until he was torn away by his own company.

Exhibit F: Andrew Jackson’s favorite past-time was apparently dueling, as he is recorded as possibly participating in over a hundred of them during his life. Let’s do the math here. Andrew Jackson lived to be 78 years old. At more than a hundred duels, that means that, essentially, every six months (assuming he began at age 10), he let someone shoot a bullet at him. Letting someone shoot at you falls into one of two categories: badass or bat-shit loony. Jackson was both. This also means that every six months, he shot someone, which is deduced from the fact that he lived to be 78. In fact, in one duel, he let the other man shoot him first, then proceeded to take his time aiming back. The bullet stayed in his body for 19 years.

Exhibit the last: At his funeral, Jackson’s pet parrot had to be escorted out because it wouldn’t stop cursing. Although the exact words were not recorded, it can be safely assumed it probably said, “Fuck you, Henry Clay!” and "Calhoun's a douchebag!"



Works Cited
Zinn, Howard. A People’s History of the United States. New York: Harper Perennial, 2003.