A Beard That Should Have Been: George Washington

Inspired by my work on Nelson, I have decided to make a new segment dedicated to adding a chin-warmer to the most deserving badasses of history. I will call this segment, "Beards That Should Have Been."

Example 1: As the first President of the United States, George Washington established a precedent of presidential decorum. Until 1944, every president followed Washington's example of unselfish government by nobly leaving office within two terms. Franklin Deleano Roosevelt decided to break this trend by running for a third term. Unfortunately for Japan, the ghost of George Washington, angered by this obvious lack of deference, beat the crippled president to death, placing Harry S Truman in command, and thus causing the destruction of Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

Now, had George Washington worn a beard, not only would every president since him have worn one as well, which would be, in the words of a famous political scientist, "so fucking rad," but Roosevelt would never have dreamed of challenging this face to a game of presidential supremacy:



"I'm the fucking dog's bullocks, gents!"
-George Washington in his Resignation Speech in the Old Senate Chamber, December 23, 1783.