A Beard That Should Have Been: Andrew Jackson

Andrew Jackson is to badass as my opinion is to the truth. Unequivocal.

The evidence:

Exhibit A: At age 13, Jackson became a prisoner of war during the Revolution. When a British officer commanded him to shine his shoes, Jackson said, "Bitch, please!" At the end of the war, every single member of his family had died by some manner of the British war machine. Without a family, Jackson grew up without comfort or support, and the experience instilled in the future president the cold, unfeeling heart which allowed him "to raise his pimp hand high without the hindrance of guilt or conscience" (Zinn 84).

Exhibit B: During the War of 1812, Jackson showed his complete disregard for conventional political diplomacy by finally turning the tides of war with an American victory in New Orleans after peace had already been settled. When asked if he had known the war was over at the time, Jackson replied, "who the hell are you?"

Exhibit C: Andrew Jackson was the first president to be given a baby to kiss. No joke: he handed the baby to the Secretary of War. Classy.

Exhibit D: During his presidency, Jackson sent a Viking raiding party to rape and pillage the National Bank. When that failed, he simply withdrew the funds, like a badass.

Exhibit E: While on a walk around the White House with Davy Crockett, yes, THAT Davy Crockett, a man jumped out of the bushes with two pistols; both failed, and the President of the United States caned the living shit out of his attempted assassin until he was torn away by his own company.

Exhibit F: Andrew Jackson’s favorite past-time was apparently dueling, as he is recorded as possibly participating in over a hundred of them during his life. Let’s do the math here. Andrew Jackson lived to be 78 years old. At more than a hundred duels, that means that, essentially, every six months (assuming he began at age 10), he let someone shoot a bullet at him. Letting someone shoot at you falls into one of two categories: badass or bat-shit loony. Jackson was both. This also means that every six months, he shot someone, which is deduced from the fact that he lived to be 78. In fact, in one duel, he let the other man shoot him first, then proceeded to take his time aiming back. The bullet stayed in his body for 19 years.

Exhibit the last: At his funeral, Jackson’s pet parrot had to be escorted out because it wouldn’t stop cursing. Although the exact words were not recorded, it can be safely assumed it probably said, “Fuck you, Henry Clay!” and "Calhoun's a douchebag!"



Works Cited
Zinn, Howard. A People’s History of the United States. New York: Harper Perennial, 2003.

A Beard That Should Have Been: George Washington

Inspired by my work on Nelson, I have decided to make a new segment dedicated to adding a chin-warmer to the most deserving badasses of history. I will call this segment, "Beards That Should Have Been."

Example 1: As the first President of the United States, George Washington established a precedent of presidential decorum. Until 1944, every president followed Washington's example of unselfish government by nobly leaving office within two terms. Franklin Deleano Roosevelt decided to break this trend by running for a third term. Unfortunately for Japan, the ghost of George Washington, angered by this obvious lack of deference, beat the crippled president to death, placing Harry S Truman in command, and thus causing the destruction of Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

Now, had George Washington worn a beard, not only would every president since him have worn one as well, which would be, in the words of a famous political scientist, "so fucking rad," but Roosevelt would never have dreamed of challenging this face to a game of presidential supremacy:



"I'm the fucking dog's bullocks, gents!"
-George Washington in his Resignation Speech in the Old Senate Chamber, December 23, 1783.

Someone at Thesaurus.com wasn't hugged enough as a kid...

Statistical Proof that God Wins

Ever wonder why some people call themselves "God-fearing men?" Here it is the illustrated guide:


Translated into a graph:

Need more proof? Meet Colossal Squid:

Think polar bears are cute? Wrong, you are stupid. You'll probably end up like this lady.

This is a shark... ten feet above the water... with dinner in its mouth. What is that dangling from his fangs? That is you.

What was God thinking when he created the marlin?

"Hey, Michael, check out what I just invented! Yeah, it's like a shark, right, but then I attached a sword to its face! Fucking SWEET, right? I can't wait to test it out!"

Concept art of marlin from God's notebook:

Ok, that is just too much. A giant mindless ameoba that stings the shit out of whatever it touches? Really? Come on, God, you aren't even playing fair now.

I don't trust things I can't comprehend. I don't know how this is going to kill me, but I know it will.

What a pretty frog. Too bad even looking at it for too long will kill you.

They have learned how to ride horses. We are doomed.

Of Great and Mortal Men

This seemed important enough for me to put here. And now I when I look back at this post, I'll be reminded to buy it. Most people will not know any of the people involved in the project (other than the subjects I would hope), but I assure you, this will be a worthwhile set to own. I'm not sure about Gerken, but Kiefer and Pitcher are both pretty decent songwriters. (Check out To All the Dead Sailors, a collaboration by them. And although that album will not be for everyone, it is hauntingly beautiful and is by far one of my favorite albums on 2007) Anyway, here, read, and if you like history at all, try not to salivate:

In most journalism circles, one of the biggest stories of the next year will be the 2008 presidential election, but since Obama, Clinton, and Giuliani have yet to form a shoegaze supergroup, we here at Pitchfork must stick to the Radiohead tour updates, Grizzly Bear collaborations, and indie rock nudity. Nonetheless, Standard Recording Company has thrown us a bone in the politics department in the form of a three-CD box set tentatively titled Of Great and Mortal Men: 43 Songs About 43 U.S. Presidencies. The set's subject matter is apparent, and its backstory doesn't disappoint.

Christian Kiefer, Matthew Gerken (Nice Monster), and Jefferson Pitcher (ex-Above the Orange Trees) wrote nearly all of Of Great and Mortal Men's songs back in February 2006 as part of February Album Writing Month, a songwriting challenge to write 14 songs in 28 days. They pooled their efforts to pen a song apiece about all of the U.S. presidents (3 x 14 = 42, with the George W. Bush tune arriving later), and they came out of it with a heap of demos. Then, they fleshed (and are fleshing) the songs out with studio contributions from Califone, Alan Sparhawk (Low), Mark Kozelek (Sun Kil Moon/Red House Painters), Wooden Wand and the Vanishing Voice, Rosie Thomas, Denison Witmer, Marla Hansen (Sufjan Stevens's band), Vince DiFiore (Cake), and Tom Carter (Charalambides), among others.

Kiefer calls the resultant box set "a walk through American history and an inquiry into what makes us Americans as filtered through the lens of our highest public office. There's heartbreak and beauty and criticism and revelation. We're trying to make it work like a big beautiful historical novel."Of Great and Mortal Men does not yet have a definite release date, but Standard plans to put it out in the summer. The tracklist is here (seriously, it's that simple). Susan Archie is scheduled to design the art for the box itself, and the package will come with 43 cards, each with an image of one of the presidents done by one of 43 different artists.

Finally, Standard will supplement the set with a 44th song, available next November following the election. As soon as the results are official, everyone who bought the box set can go to the label's website and download Mr. or Mrs. 44's song.

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/article/news/47385-califone-sparhawk-kozelek-help-do-presidential-songs